It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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