I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
