I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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