Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
