i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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