i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
