dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
