I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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