so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
