I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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