Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
