Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
