I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
