I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
