I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
