he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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