He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
