He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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