I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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