You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
