you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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