Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
