hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
