Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
