he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
