Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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