And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
