Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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