i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
