I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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