Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
