I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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