we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
