It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
