no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
