She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
