God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
