Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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