I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
