My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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