Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
