i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
