I think I died a long time ago.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
