I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My cat gives me a boner
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
