need another drink. this is the easiest way
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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