I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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