I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
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