I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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