no, he came in my armpit
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
