its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
