I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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