apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
